It’s been a while since I posted, the reason is that my world fell apart.
On the 1st March, my beautiful husband of 25 years passed away. We had been told in Oct that he had Leukemia and would have 2-5 years. So when he only had 5 months we were very unprepared.
Fortunatly for him it was a blood clot to the lung that took him out and it was very quick, he was joking with the nurses and an hour later he was dead. He had been very unwell for 2 days.
We were blessed with the the fact that we both realised on the last day that his time was running out, so got to say our goodbyes in the afternoon and I was able to be with him when he passed. I will always treasure this great gift that was given to me.
So as you can imagine it has been a hard time of adjustment and trying to find my feet in a world that looks the same to everyone else but feels so strange and unfamiliar to me.
I realised something yesterday, so thought I would share it with you.
When you love someone and are with them for may years, you see the beauty in them, not the ravages of age.
With Colin I was beautiful and loved, he didn’t see me as fatter or older, he just saw me as the woman he loved and adored and through his eyes I saw myself like this too.
I saw Colin as the beautiful, handsome man he was, I always saw him as handsome and young, he was my love.
He asked how I could still see him as handsome as the ravages of illness took their toll, but I told him I truly did see him as gorgeous and handsome. I saw the twinkle in his eye, the way his face lit up when he smiled at me.
Those twinkling eyes, those looks of love are gone, yet I remain, beautiful no more, the mirror on the bathroom wall reflecting back at me the ravages of age and time.
When you lose the one you love you also lose a part of who you were. I was part of a couple, I was Colin’s wife.
Who am I know?
Julia, who is she without that beautiful, loving, caring man beside her?
I look in the mirror and see the harsh realities of life. Who is this stranger looking back at me? Where did she come from?
When Colin died he took who I was with him as well, he took away the beautiful reflection of how he saw me and left me looking at the hard cold reality of what I see in the bathroom mirror.
Years ago when my Grandfather, died I felt I had lost the only person in the world who appreciated me for being me and once again I am left in this lonely place of feeling that while people do love and appreciate me, that I am all alone.
My daily challenge is to find the joy among the sorrows and most days I have been able to do that, occasionally it seems like there are none, but if I reach out, and this is so hard when you are so lost, then there are people waiting to help and I am reminded that there is still joy in this strange unfamiliar new world.
So many people treat you different or become awkward with you that it is hard to find your way, I am so lucky that one person, probably the most unlikely person, has been there and been a real friend, just coming around to spend an evening chatting or going to somewhere new with me so I am not too frightened to go alone. I know at times he has felt uncomfortable and not known how to react to my changeable moods and constant questioning of myself, but he has let me know it is okay, he is there as a friend.
Having someone treat me as a genuine person, being honest with me and wanting nothing but friendship is a rare and wonderful gift, a true joy among the sorrows.
This person has coped flack for being there for me as people have questioned his motives and yet we have been able to be open and talk even about this. (I am not his type and he doesn’t see me like that).
I am telling you this here so that if you are ever in the position to be there for someone in a time of grief, be honest, be open, talk about the hard questions and what others are saying. So much of life seems unfamiliar, strange and scary that being a real friend and being open and honest is the greatest gift you can give someone.
Having lost so much over the last 6 mths, from all our possessions, our house, my husband, total unconditional love and acceptance here on earth as well as having a home invasion, then 4 mths later my house being broken into again and my car being broken into and ransacked, I feel that even my sense of security has been threatened so to know that someone is there when I need them is so impotant.
As I have dared to reach out I have found many people who are there for me in many different ways, but at the end of the day everyone has their own lives, which are going along pretty much as they always have been. So I need to find a new way to be, a new life, new interests, friends who don’t have partners and kids that fill their life so they have little or no time for themselves, let alone anyone else.
I value and appreciate all my friends and am so fortunate and grateful that they have been there for me and I know they will continue to be, but I also have to find out who this new me is and how to find happiness, joy and purpose without my wonderful man by my side.
So let’s begin this journey of discovery together and see where we end up……
I want to start the journey with two images, one I created just after Colin died and one more recently.